I have been in bed for 5 days monitoring aches and pains as they tourniquet through my body. I am being pulled into a hallucinatory waking dream. Little teeth chatter up my bones as I rock and shake in a cold, hot heat waiting to be spat from the tumble dryer. I am a satellite tuned to the vibration of energy that isn't mine. It eats away at me with a spoon. The voice of self hate gorges, feasts on me-
"Look at disgusting you laying in your own sweat, hair matted like a dog, smelling like..."
My own stench actually makes me vomit.
In this much visceral, give me the divine. I am scared of using the word divine in case people take offence. But I'm tired of being the people pleaser. I believe in a divine connection to something, be it universe, earth mother, the light or god. Whatever you want to call it, then do that. I don't believe in dogma. Religion...meh.
My boyfriend brings me 2 cartons of orange juice and a packet of Ricola cough drops. He kisses my hives, as they errupt in mounds of pokadot jelly. He pulls my canine hair from out of my face.
He has bought a tiny yellow cichlid home and named it Apollo.It peaks at us from inside his little rock. We watch him swim when he thinks we aren't looking, he glides effortlessly his little fins barely wagging.
I yearn for that.